Woman abused on busy Delhi road says 'we patched up'. Why do victims go back to their abusers?

By Anupriya Thakur: In a video that went viral on Monday, a man was seen grabbing a woman by the collar, shoving her inside a cab and beating her up. And all this happened in the national capital of India, New Delhi. After closing the door, he went on to sit next to the driver, while another man sat next to the woman, in the car's rear seat.

The Delhi Police promptly filed a case and the statements of the couple were recorded. The woman on Tuesday released a video saying that the fight was between her and her fiance over a personal issue. Thanking the police for being so protective, she very subtly asked the matter be dropped as the couple had now "patched up".

According to the law, the police can only take action against the man if the woman files a complaint. The woman has not filed a complaint and the man, despite there being a video of him abusing her, will roam scot-free. He is entitled to thrash her or any other woman again until and unless a complaint is filed against him. Sometimes, the proof is not enough.

But this raises a bigger question: Despite being offered help, why do victims of domestic abuse still choose to be with their abusers?

Cycle of Abuse

This was very well summed up by American psychologist Lenore E Walker in her book ‘The Battered Woman‘ (1979) based on detailed interviews with domestic violence victims. She described the cycle of abuse in four phases — tension building, incident, reconciliation and calm.

The relationship cycles between the two worst phases of tension building (phase 1), which leads to the incident of abuse (phase 2). Following the abuse, there is a seemingly positive honeymoon phase of reconciliation (phase 3) and calm (phase 4), where things seem to normalise.

Dependency on Perpetrator

According to Dr Paramjeet Singh, Consultant Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist at PSRI Hospital, "It is very common for victims of domestic abuse to be with their abuser and refuse all help. This has various reasons, but mostly it is dependency on the perpetrator as the provider and man of the house. The emotional, physical and financial dependency is so high that women have no choice but to keep accepting domestic violence in lieu of these facilities."

"Secondly, the victim justifies the abuse as a product of her actions and that it is her fault that she is being dealt with in a certain manner. So, this victimhood tends to perpetrate itself," Dr. Paramjeet Singh said.

He said that most perpetrators also keep gaslighting the victims and, over time, have a stranglehold over the emotional health of the person, which they are able to manipulate and use to their advantage.

"In certain cases, women have initially tried to raise their voices but they were dealt with a dismissive voice. They are often told that as a woman they are supposed to accept the abuse and that this amount of violence is okay. This is wrong. No amount of violence should be tolerated in any relationship. Any violence — physical, verbal or emotional — should be seen as a red flag and must be dealt with immediately," Dr. Paramjeet Singh said.

Crimes against Women on the rise: NCRB Data

According to National Crime Record Bureau (NCRB) data, a total of 4,28,278 cases of crimes against women were registered across India in 2021, marking an increase of 15.3 per cent from 2020.

The majority of cases under crime against women were registered under ‘Cruelty by Husband or His Relatives’ (31.8 per cent), followed by ‘Assault on Women with Intent to Outrage her Modesty’ (20.8 per cent), ‘Kidnapping and Abduction of Women’ (17.6 per cent), and ‘Rape’ (7.4%), according to the NCRB report.

The NCRB report found Delhi to be the most unsafe metropolitan city for women in India. Delhi recorded 13,892 cases of crimes against women in 2021, a significant surge of around 41 per cent compared to 2020 when the figure was 9,782.

'Can't Just Leave Him'

Another psychiatrist, Dr Meghana R Medavaram who is an Assistant Professor at USA's Albert Einstein College of Medicine, said that there are so many reasons domestic violence victims go back to their abuser when in their minds they keep thinking “just leave him”.

"For many victims — this is all they know, they have been in abusive relationships their whole lives and may think this pattern is normal. Many times the victim is financially dependent on them. Also, those who have been in long-term abusive relationships are cut off many times by their abuser from their loved ones so they are truly dependent on their abuser," Dr Meghana R Medavaram said.

This was backed by Dr Rohit Verma, who is the Additional Professor of Psychiatry at AIIMS, New Delhi. "Victims going back to their perpetrators depends on various factors like personality traits, depression, anxiety and on the relationship between the perpetrator and the victim. The environment in which the victim has been brought up prior to being with the abuser is another major factor."

Dr Rohit Verma said that the ability of victims to deal with the outside world becomes so poor that they become dependent on the perpetrator. "The victims tolerate the abuse because they feel it will be impossible to survive on their own without any support from anyone."

What can you do?

But this woman, who was abused in Delhi while everyone watched and made videos, while another man just sat in the car as if this was the norm, raises another serious question — Don't we also have a role to play, as public? Maybe, we could do our bit by being more alert, intervening, spreading awareness and, more importantly, LISTENING AND HELPING.

{If you are a domestic violence victim or know anyone who needs help, you can reach out on these helpline numbers - 1091, 181, 011-23237166, 011-23234918, 011-26944880, 011-26944883, 011-23379181, 011-23370597, +91-7827170170}